If you follow me on twitter and facebook you already know what has happened. For those that don’t, we’ve had to commit Gage to a psych hospital today that serves children.
This has been the hardest day of my life. He’d had, including today, 6 episodes of rage/anger (post below) recently and they’d been escalating. Last night and today at school and well, it was so clear that he needed more help than we’ve been giving him with a team of psychiatrist/psychologists and support and love. We needed more and he needed more.
It was a horrible day that involved us watching our child escalate into a manic-like state that shook us to the core. We are not surprised it has come to this, but we are heartbroken for our son. We watched four people restrain him and we watched him weep while swinging his arms and body to try to leave the little in-take room. The last time I saw him they had him in a safe therapy hold on the floor and the last thing I said was “I love you Gage.” The 2nd to last thing I said was, “If you will calm down we can ease up on the hold, baby.” The absolute hardest thing I’ve ever done was to drive away from that hospital.
They sedated him after many phone calls and pager calls to the transplant team pharmacologist to make sure of what meds would be safe for his kidney. When we left (4 hours later) they said he was resting. When Julian returned tonight with a bag and his weighted blanket and transplant meds, we heard he was in a “safe room” where he was on one-on-0ne care and very agitated. This very nearly broke my heart, but then I think, I still have a little girl, the sacrificial child a lot of times because of Gage’s highly demanding special needs and my heart has to hold on the breaking for later.
If he can calm down and participate in the semi-real world again, he has a packed day of group and indiv therapy, therapy games, fun activities too. He is in his own room and throughout the night they have checks every 15 min. There are motion sensors at night so he is very, very safe. There are currently 11 kids on the wing between the ages of 4-12.
We cannot see him until Monday (and wed) for visiting time, but we can call him every night and we can call the nurses throughout the day to check on him. We’re comforted that Sally the Cat is with him and providing some comfort to him because I know he is scared. Julian will probably get a short visit with him tomorrow night (exception) because Julian is going out of town on Friday (through wed). Julian is still going out of town because that is a part of this life – moving on. And at $6250 a week for the hospital (not sure what insurance covers, if any) we need to make sure we are both working.
How’s Quinn you ask? Well, she is unfazed as of today, but when I told her that he was having a lot of trouble with his emotions; something in his brain and were trying to help him she said, “Yeah, he gets mad a lot” and then she said, “When he comes back do you think he will like me again?” Which is also heartbreaking in itself.
Obviously, we are terrified, scared and sad for Gage. But we are also relieved. Relieved that this might help him. We’ve already spoken to the doctor and after review of the files and talking with us they are working on his meds. We’re in constant talk with his other doctors so everyone knows everything.
The in-take psychologist started off on a not-so-great start with me because she saw Gage and Julian in the other room (Julian had him in a hold to control him) and she kind of judgmentally said, “I need to teach you all how to therapy hold.” I calmly said that is fine, but she needed to leave her tone and attitude outside of the room we were in and she needed to realize that we were in crisis, having never seen our son in this state and that she needed to be a little more gentle with her instructions with parents, thankyouverymuch.
We had a long in-take interview with her after Gage was in what I assume was some kind of padded room (seriously, see the madness in that!) waiting to see what sedative drugs are safe for him to take. I have to say, as parents, in between bouts of tears between both of us, we did okay. We were able to give her a history, talk about triggers (or lack thereof) and rationally discuss his many issues, diagnoses, possible diagnoses, cycles of sadness and rages. She commented that we were very informed parents.
We know this is the right treatment for right now because we have to believe or we would crumble into a heaping bowl of crazy ourselves.
What about Julian? My husband of nearly 16 years, for which my life would be bleak without? Him? He’s an amazing father and husband and I’m lucky to face this mess of our life with his heart, tears, humor and love.
We are asking for all prayers and good thoughts to God and Jesus and Buddha and the Easter Bunny, the Light and the Universe, or any Higher Power you like for extra love, peace and protection for Gage.
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To another dear, dear friend who is struggling this week, I am sending you Deep Peace. May your heart begin to find some healing, may you relinquish the guilt that keeps moms up at night, and may you know that God has the master plan and most of the time we have no f*in clue what it is.
Does that just sum up Julia? Educating the intake psychologist instead of taking it on or taking a swing!!! Gage (and you all) is in my heart. I am so hopeful that this will be it and also that having so many people focused on figuring out his meds and his well-being makes a difference. You have fought so damn hard to get him the help and support from his team and now I hope you can let yourself take a break for a minute while your house is calm. I was just reading someone whose daughter is in a RTC and that one of the things she was forgetting to do was SLEEPING. Because parents need to recover, too, and take that time to REST. You have been under so much stress for so long and you’ve handled it all with absolute grace, compassion and oh lord, undying patience and love. Squeeze Q for me!!!
Gage and all of you have my prayers…
More prayers headed upstairs. Virtual hugs for all of you
I hear a lot of good things in this story, among all the heartbreak. I like that Gage is going to be one of the older kids in the program. I like that the numbers are small and that he’s got one-on-one support while he needs it. I’m glad the rest of your family will have space to hunker down and make a plan. I know you’ll all come through this and I hope it’s in the best way possible. I’m so impressed with your tenacity.
Thinking of you guys all the time. I’m so sorry that it came to this point, but I know that you’re doing the right thing, because if it weren’t the right thing for your child, you would not be doing it. (If that makes any sense at all.)
I’m so sorry, Julia.
You continue to astound us all, Julia. But that is also a heavy burden on top of burdens too heavy already. I am sure this very difficult scene is also the best path toward healing for Gage and for rest and recovery and regrouping for you, Julian and Quinn. May there be some solution that brings renewed hope and peace to each one of you. (I’ve also had both my guys in lock-down psych situations, and I remember the agony of leaving them there and trusting and praying that healing would happen in the midst of their fear and rage. They were older and not physically sick. I can’t even begin to imagine the depth of your feelings as you left Gage.) PTL you and Julian have one another! May there be time in this relative quiet, to nurture that relationship as well. Love to you all!
Carol
If there is anything – anything I can do to help – let me know. I am heartsick at these latest developments. Take care, dear Julia.
Julia and Julian,
I will never be as strong as the two of you. I weep and pray for dear precious Gage, Quinn and for you. Your church loves. Know that. What can we do? The question is not rhetorical. We are willing, just give us your direction.
Thinking of you all and sending up prayers!
I’m so sorry and so sad to hear this. Thinking of you all and hoping this will truly be a help for Gage and your family. Praying for him and for all of you as well!
Julia and Julian,
We are crying with you, praying with and for you and available to support you in any way we can. Please just ask. We love you.
Julia, Julian, Gage & Quinn,
I said a prayer for you all today and will continue to do so everyday. I hope your family find the peace it so deserves.
I have made that drive with my sister and it was the hardest car ride of my life; I imagine the agony was 10-fold with your son. I am glad that they are working with his transplant doctors – the place we took her said they wouldn’t consider her very serious (and, um, neurological so maybe RELEVANT) physical illness and we’d have to do all of the coordination. But that is cold relief to you, because it’s the bare minimum. Best wishes to you all.
I’m so sorry it came to this. Hugs to you all; we’re rooting for you.
Julia, I’m a complete stranger, forgive me–but I love your beautiful writing and your courage and your humor. I went through the psych commitment of an immediate family member six months ago and it’s terrifying, it’s shattering, it’s unearthly. But–you are doing absolutely everything right, and it’s going to help so much. You know that it’s going to help, your conviction comes through powerfully in your writing–and you’re so brave and strong just for knowing it. Hold on to that and be well.
I said it on Twitter, but I’ll say it again. Praying!! And so are my roommates…
I just saw this today, and was shocked. I wish for peace for him and strength for the rest of you, and I will be thinking of you and sending good vibes your way.
Thinking of you and your family. Take care and be strong.
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