Subtle Bullying

Let’s say you have a rough year. I mean it’s really, really bad. It’s even worse than the year before when you almost died. But now you are so sad, really sad. You’re mean to people, you don’t want to see even your best friend anymore, you aren’t in the right mind, you want to die, and the people outside your inner circle speculate. They hear/see enough about you to make up stories, make your life harder in subtle ways, they assume, they dig for information about you. They don’t try to understand what is going on, they don’t offer compassion, they don’t try to help the people that are supporting you while you are going through your rough year.

They simply watch from the outside and say, “Thank God, I am not like that. Thank God people I love aren’t like that. It’s probably their own fault or at least their parents’ fault. I read somewhere that if they just….or if they would….then they wouldn’t be like that. They are just bad. Bad.” They say these things for months and they say them often to a lot of people. They sway people to think horrible things about you. Even though you have a better year. In fact, you’re going on 2 years now that life for you is pretty good and you smile, you’re helpful, you have feelings. But yet, they can’t let it go. They won’t let it go.

Now imagine you’re a kid. Not yet a teenager.

Imagine you have to navigate the world with people who think terrible things about you but you don’t know it. They act okay around you and act okay around your parents, even making small talk, seemingly nice comments. They smile. They are sabotaging your everyday existence by treating you different and making their kids think it’s okay to treat you different, too. They need other people to see you as bad, as horrible, because if they do it makes themselves seem better. Like better people. This is of course, not the truth.

It’s confusing though because we think they are friends but we don’t realize that their teasing, taunting, playful nature is really a subtle form of bullying. It’s belittling. Subtle humiliation in the name of being playful. We don’t realize they aren’t your friends at all. It’s hard to handle this for anyone.

But you’re just a kid.

The bullying isn’t overt. It is using you as the scapegoat; they know people will believe you did something bad even when you didn’t. They help perpetuate the perceptions about you by pointing out wrongs you do; even though they’re the average kinds of things other kids your age do. They expect the worst from you and they aren’t afraid to share their view with others; including their kids. The kids, not surprisingly, pick up their subtle bullying in perfect form.

You’re just a kid. But I am not and so, I will protect you.

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Subtle bullying is hard to detect because many people see it as “kids will be kids” even though it impacts kids negatively and goes far beyond “kids will be kids.”

It tells the kid being bullied they aren’t good enough.

It makes them feel “off” because they know something isn’t right with a relationship but they can’t quite get a grasp on it. It’s typical that the kids who are bullied are vulnerable because they have issues navigating relationships anyway; they’re easy targets.

It teaches intolerance. It teaches hate.

When you talk negatively about a kid around your kids it tells your kids something is wrong with mine. That being different is wrong. That being themselves is wrong. It teaches subtle hate. That’s what you are spreading and teaching your kids. Hate.

When you question publicly the way I do something with my kid, remember that you aren’t in the inner circle. While some of a life might be public not all of it is and what is working for my family won’t for another. We are all different.

It’s an ugly trait to profess friendship and kindness when you are spreading hate and judgment. It’s uglier still to spread that to kids. You aren’t hiding it from your kids. They do what you do.

You can hang all the signs you want on the walls of a school or rec building and still, there will be bullying. The bullies will find a way to still do it. Subtly. The bullied won’t have concrete by-the-book-bullying facts to stake claim to. It’s the kids in between the bullies and the bullied that will change the face of bullying.

It’s the quiet kids. The kids who don’t and won’t speak up. We need to teach those kids to speak up for the weaker and up to the bullies. Parents need to teach those kids in the middle. They are the ones that can end bullying.

So, you will not get the chance to bully my kids again. You’re on notice. I won’t turn my head or let my guard down when you are near me and my family. I’ll speak up if you bully one of my kids, however subtly. What you won’t find me doing is backing away from this situation.

I’ve had my long time suspicions confirmed. I now know it. I’m on it and we’re done.

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