There is a lot of talk going on about the movie The Change Up and their use of the word “retard” and “downsy” and the best post and comments I’ve seen are from my friend, Rob. He’s a brilliant writer and extremely articulate. Make sure you go and read his post, here. And be sure to leave some time for the comments. He had an unbelievably honest and sincere response around the 80s comments.
What surprises me, wait, no, what baffles me is the insistence that we’re all too sensitive. Over the last few months a post on Support for Special Needs got a lot of attention because we were just saying what we found hurtful, annoying. There was also a theme in some of the comments that parents like us are just being too sensitive.
What always gets me in this argument
is that people are basically telling us that we don’t have a right to feel what we feel and that we don’t have a right to judge their actions as harmful, hurtful. They’re saying they have the right to treat the disabled community as less than. Less than perfect, less than deserves respect, less than. Their “right” to use terminology that offends, even in the face of being educated that it’s hurtful and perpetuates hate and discrimination, is what they want to use, just because to them it doesn’t really mean anything. To them, a joke. They defend with great passion.
To us, hurtful. Painful. Words that say it’s okay for my kids to be considered less than. They already have to struggle against bias because of their skills. They are already evaluated, judged and made to feel less than because of their bodies, their mental abilities. It doesn’t matter what I say to them to help them with their confidence. I doesn’t matter how many times I tell them they’re worth it; that they are enough. They want to believe it and in fact, they go long periods believing it. But sometimes…
What they hear louder is…
Retard. You’re stupid.
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Well said and great that this campaign is still continuing x
Thanks so much…
All we want is for all human beings to be treated equally, and with respect. Other forms of hate speech that focus on race, sexual orientation, religion, etc are condemned by all reasonable humans, and rightly so. What’s left is the one group that cannot stand up for themselves. It seems like the same people who think it’s terrible to call someone a race-related slur think it’s okay to use “retard” or “downsy”. Why? Because that beautiful girl with downs syndrome won’t punch them in the nose for it? Now it’s up to parents, siblings, and all reasonable, decent human beings to stand up for those that cannot, and say “it’s not right”.
I am just wondering when we will make some serious headway.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about some of this/related topics over the years. As an OT I always am all about people first language. As a bipolar pt. I call myself bipolar, use it well before the person and am fine with that–but only in relation to me. I remember someone asking once if I minded being called “crazy” when goofing off. Nope. Yet if you are calling mentally ill people crazy I’ll get after you rapidly. I think you and I have talked about this in fact, that laughing how you label yourself is very different than being buttonholded into a label.
I used to belong to a wonderful group for people with the kind of birthmark I have. With all the things we shared in our experiences there isn’t one common name people with birthmarks get called. Someone in the group came up with calico and that stuck as my favorite description. Yet if someone without a birthmark called me that I’d be furious.
I don’t think it is sensitivity (granted thanks to my no TV lifestyle I’ve never heard of this movie but I’m sure it’s like so many others), I think it’s about the right to determine who you are and how you feel about belonging to a group. I think it’s also about respect. A patient who is on the transplant list for a donor organ told me about having some cadaver joint something and that the patient calls it “my dead guy’s bone (or whatever)”. I laughed but said something about the donated organ and the patient became as serious as I’ve ever seen and said “no, THAT will be from the donor” and got a little teary at the thought. (BTW, thanks for sharing your story as my bits and pieces of knowledge have helped this person feel more ready to go through with this. I hope they are fortunate as they are a 1:1000 person). It’s all about how your mind twists things and makes them acceptable.
When I was in school we were taught to never, ever let pts. name stumps or paralzyed extremities as it allegedly kept them from coping. This was forgotten until I had a patient who had refused therapy before getting recovery following a stroke because her OT had refused to let her jokingly call her paralyzed arm Ethel Mae. 3 years later we joked about Ethel Mae, did treatment and the arm began to move a bit. I was furious because I suspect that because someone imposed rules on their patient that prevented the pt. from coping as well as she could that the woman lost a lot of use of her arm and suffered pain as well. Ethel Mae may not have been great coping according to some study but she sure came a lot way when given a chance.
Sorry for length; blame it on the pain killers. Can’t keep things logical anymore.
jen
Yes and Yes!
I recall a number of years ago when my son was completely dependent on tube feedings. During a particular play date at the park, he took a break for a “quick” bolus feed through his g-tube. I attached the tube to his button and the syringe full of food to the tube and let the feeding go down the tube into his tummy. The feeding was almost complete when a curious little girl came over and asked what was that pointing to the tube attached to his belly via the Bard button. Matter of factly I told her it was a feeding tube and he was having a snack. She exclaims, “Cool!” then ran off to climb the monkey bars. his feeding completed, Daniel ran after her. While I was cleaning the tube feeding supplies and putting them away a playground mom came over and pointed towards my son asking if he was my boy.
Yes, I told her.
“He’s cute”, she tells me.
I thank her.
Then there was that awkward silence until she asked, “What’s wrong with him?”
I looked her square in the eyes and answered, “Nothing. Why?”
Telling the story later to a friend she accused me of being too sensitive. But I could not agree. The curiosity of a child about the device attached to my son seemed natural, without judgment and easy to answer. The other mom asking me what is WRONG with my child cut me a little. Even if our children are differently abled, even is they eat in a non-conventional way what mother wants to hear a total stranger proclaim something to be wrong with OUR child, our exquisite, delightful, amazing child? I certainly didn’t then and do not today.
Am I being too sensitive? perhaps but no more sensitive than a parent who bristles at comments about their child’s size, shape, lack of skill or talent.
We are trying to equip our son to speak up for himself but he can’t always do so and I truly believe then his parents, his siblings, his friends should be allowed to be his proxy and shine a bright light on the unacceptable directed at him.
Ugh… the “wrong” comment always sticks me wrong, too. Agreed…we parents and supporters are the ones that have to do it for them sometimes (and maybe always).