Comments on: Special needs parenting made me different, not better.

By: Shelley

Shelley — Sat, 23 Mar 2013 04:02:13 +0000

Another thing that I have been told (by a tech at a hospital, no less): “If it were my kid, I don’t know what I’d do.” Well, let me clear up the mystery: you’d do exactly what I’m doing: your dead-level best. As has been pointed out, it’s not like you have a choice.

The things people say, my God, the things people say.

By: Shelley

Shelley — Sat, 23 Mar 2013 03:59:27 +0000

Oh, God, I have been told that “God wouldn’t give you more than you could handle, so you must be very special.” NO GOD I HAVE ANY INTEREST IN BELIEVING IN WOULD GIVE MY CHILD A CRUEL DISEASE IN ORDER THAT I MIGHT DEMONSTRATE MY SPECIALNESS. I am sorry to shout, but that is the worst kind of platitude. It may be unkind to say so, but IMO anyone who actually believes this is an imbecile.

By: Ayah

Ayah — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 22:34:20 +0000

I was just having a conversation with my husband about this exact thing. We are 4.5 months into raising a baby with special needs and we have had a lot of people say these very words to us. I know they are trying to be nice, but sometimes it is just so frustrating. When people say “I couldn’t do it.” I often tell them that they could, because it’s not like there is another choice.

By: Deenie

Deenie — Mon, 11 Mar 2013 18:20:54 +0000

I really love this post. You hit it spot on.

By: Jo-Ann

Jo-Ann — Sat, 09 Mar 2013 09:53:31 +0000

yeah I am also not fan of the sn pedestal and the platitudes. I parent and I am the parent I have to be.

I love what Maya said above. I never thought of the platitudes as a cop out before but she hit the nail on the head.

By: Tracey B

Tracey B — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 03:51:11 +0000

Thank you so much for putting into words exactly how I feel!

By: Gianna

Gianna — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 19:59:32 +0000

I don’t have kids with special needs, but for a while, my husband worked lots and long hours in the retail world. I was stuck parenting my 4 small children in public and in private by myself.
Every single time I went to church someone said, “I don’t know how you do it. I couldn’t do it.” (just like Maya heard, who by the way has the name of my oldest!)

I got so sick of it. Well, if you couldn’t do it, what makes me any different? Maybe instead of commenting on how hard it looks, why don’t you give me a hand? Or engage with my children. Or affirm me for being me and not a frazzled mom.

I know they mean well. I know they do, but how am I supposed to respond to that?
“Oh, yes! Because I am such a better parent than you!”

I don’t think so. Sometimes things in this world are tough and I’m doing my best. What about you?

By: Maya

Maya — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 18:15:16 +0000

I know I said some of this yesterday on your FB page, but I’ll comment here too

Having two kids with special needs does not make me a perfect parent. Maybe I am “better” at appreciating the small things than I would have been if my children were perfectly healthy and typical. But, I think I’m “worse” in other ways. I, like you said, have more sadness sometimes than I probably would otherwise. I am fairly sure I have more stress and less sleep. I snap at my kids sometimes. I have less patience in some areas, more in others. I am not a housekeeper. Sometimes I feel like if I were a better mother, I would be.

So, I’m different, but I wouldn’t say better.

Furthermore, I resent the “putting SN parents on a pedestal” in part – besides the fact that it’s unwarranted – because I feel like people use that as an excuse not to help. I mean, if I had a dollar for every time someone said “I don’t know how you do it!” maybe I’d have enough money to afford help? Hahaha. But the people who say that, or say “I couldn’t do it,” etc. rarely offer assistance or even a listening ear. It’s like they want to make me different from them so they don’t have to worry that something could happen to their child, and in doing so they fail to realize that I am a person too, and a person who at times is having a hard time “doing it.” That’s why most of my friends at this point are other SN parents.

By: Megan

Megan — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 18:02:32 +0000

Sometimes I feel being a special needs parent makes me a worse one, not a better one. As you well know, there’s a lot to deal with on top of the normal, everyday stuff (which is hard in itself). There are times when I feel overwhelmed with what I need to do or need to make sure Mack does or can do or gets help with. Sometimes I’m just damn exhausted from it all. Fatigue certainly doesn’t make me a better parent.

But we all have our challenges as mothers and fathers – some are simply more noticable than others.

By: Jessica

Jessica — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 18:02:23 +0000

Yes! I think people really don’t know what to say to you when you have a kid with special needs. They want to be complimentary and positive but it often comes out sort of awkward.

I try really hard to do the right things for my son (get him the care/therapy he needs)but doesn’t every mom try hard for her kids? I’m no saint but I love my little boy and I want the best for him.

I don’t mind these comments from family in friends because I know they come from love, but comments from strangers always feel a little different.